Lots and Lots of Grapefruit
by Doug teh H-Nut
Summary: It's almost Knuckles' birthday! Does anyone care? Meanwhile, Shadow and Omochao come up with a diabolical plot that sounded great on paper! Chapter Four up.
1. Buy My Game, Plz

"Press the right trigger button to fire your weapon!"

Shadow T. Hedgehog, or "Shadow", or "The Ultimate Lifeform", or "Faker", or "Sonic Knockoff", or "Why Does He Get His Own Game?", or "OMG SHADOW! LOL 3", or "Alan Smithee" as he was sometimes referred to in various circles, stared long and hard at the blue floating thing staring him in the face with a giant grin.

"Press the right trigger button to fire your weapon!"

"I heard you the first time," Shadow growled as he drew his weapon from a pocket-like thing within his fur. It was a simple laser pistol. Nothing special, but it got the job done.

"Press the right trigg-" before Omochao could finish telling Shadow to press the right trigger button, Shadow pressed the right trigger button, and sent the blue slab of floating metal soaring into the canyon wall.

Omochao coughed. "Press the - ow. Press the left trigger button to cycle through weapons."

Shadow sifted through the pocket-like things within his fur. "What _weapons_? I only have one." Omochao pointed to the rocket launcher on the ground with whatever on him passed as an arm and a hand, and subsequently a pointer finger. Shadow walked on top of it. Nothing happened.

"Press the X button to pick up weapons."

Shadow did what he was told. Suddenly the pistol was in his pocket and the rocket launcher was in both hands. He had to admit, is was pretty neat.

"Press the left trigger button to cycle through weapons."

"What if I don't want to?" It made sense to Shadow that a rocket launcher was considerably cooler than a laser pistol.

"Because the rocket launcher has limited ammo and you should preserve it."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

- - -

A long time ago - a little over two years should you want an exact number, or approximate as the case may be - a Sonic the Hedgehog fanfiction was written. It involved grapefruit.

Well, kind of. Go with me on this.

It was met with mixed reviews, with some people saying it was the stupidest thing they've ever heard, and some people saying it had limited ammo and you should preserve it. I was the author of this cliche-ridden fanfic, and it eventually became apparent to me that my writing sucked.

So, here I am again, a little over two years later, writing the same fanfiction, only 58 less stupid. Stupid, that is, in the bad way. There's a good stupid, and I'm going to try to fill this story with it.

Welcome, once again, to...

- - -

Lots and Lots of Grapefruit

Act One: Introduction

Chapter One: Buy My Game, Plz

- disclaimer -

All original scenarios are (C) 2005 Doug teh H-Nut. Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters and stuff are (C) SEGA.

- - -

As per usual with how these kinds of stories begin, Sonic and Knuckles were eating in a McDonald's. Knuckles, unlike Sonic, had been there since Monday. (It was Thursday at this point.)

Knuckles started up his DS and fiddled around with it for a few moments. "Crap, no WiFi yet."

Sonic popped a fry in his mouth. "Duh. That's not going to be here for little less than a week."

Knuckles thought Sonic sounded different - almost as though he had a different voice actor - but he let it go. "You told me Monday."

Sonic thought Knuckles sounded different - almost as though he had a different voice actor - but he let it go. "Yes. The _fourteenth. _Today is the _tenth_. You're getting Sonic Rush for that thing, right?"

"Am I in it?"

"I hope not. I get paid less that way."

Knuckles took a few bites of his chicken sandwich and leaned back. "Something's wrong here."

"Yes. You haven't pre-ordered Sonic Rush and that (expletive deleted) Shadow is getting his own game."

"No, no. Something else. I can't quite place it. How long has it been since we've been to McDonald's?"

"About a year, year and a half. I don't remember. Why do you ask?" Sonic didn't have a very good memory.

"What happened last time?"

"Something involving grapefruit and a weird yellow dude."

"Tails?"

"No, no, less orangish."

"Ah. I don't think there's anything to worry about, though. Our names don't magically appear in front of what we're saying and neither of us has said an emoticon in - "

Sonic did an emoticon.

" - and never mind," finished Knuckles. "What's wrong?"

SONIC

"Nothing. I just wanted to emoticon."

"What did you just do?"

"Talkie the English."

"No, I mean, with your name."

"I put it in front of what I said. What's wrong with that?"

At that moment, Tails and Amy walked into the McDonald's.

"Hey Knuckles," Tails called, "want to go on an excellent adventure?"

"Hey Sonic," Amy called, "want to go on a dating game?"

"Hey everyone," someone called over the loudspeaker, "want to go to college?"

And thus Knuckles screamed, especially when he saw Dr. Phil sitting in a booth behind Sonic.

- - -

Now, kids, none of these silly things are going to be in the actual plot, if and when I come up with it. No, we're going to have a halfway decent plot, what with...plots...and stuff. Only because I believe if I'm going to have an account here I might as well use it. Revu n stuf plz kthx lol.


	2. What USB Adapter?

Lots and Lots of Grapefruit

Act One: Introduction

Chapter Two: _What _USB Adapter?

- disclaimer -

All original scenarios are (C) 2005 Doug teh H-Nut. Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters and stuff are (C) SEGA.

- - -

"Stop screaming," Sonic ordered. "We're in a public place. Use your indoor voice."

Knuckles continued screaming.

"Yes, yes, _I _paid full price for Sonic Gems Collection also. Stop screaming."

Knuckles finally quited down. He took a few breaths, then pointed at Dr. Phil. "Get out of here." Dr. Phil dejectedly obliged. Then Knuckles turned to Sonic. "Do you have any idea what's happening!"

- - -

Shadow slung his laser pistol around his finger - his rocket launcher was out of ammo, wouldn't you know - and continued walking through the canyon with Omochao. Omochao grinned evilly.

"You know," Shadow began, "if you grin evilly, you should do it behind anyone involved."

"Right, sorry." Omochao flew behind Shadow and continued to grin evilly.

"Why are you grinning evilly?" Shadow asked.

Omochao stuttered for a moment. "Press X to jump."

Shadow stopped. "You told me fifteen minutes ago that X would pick up weapons."

"Really? What controller are we using?"

"X-Box."

It's worth pointing out here that the author doesn't remember how the X-Box face buttons are set up. Y at the bottom, B at the top, X to the left and A to the right? I dunno. (Ok, I looked. A on bottom, B at right, X at left and Y at top. Got it.)

"Oh. Then Y definently jumps. Or whichever one's at the bottom." Omochao didn't know that A was at the bottom. I know that now.

Shadow jumped. "Thank you," came his sarcastic response. "I did not know how to jump."

- - -

"What's happening now?" Sonic asked.

"Ooh! Is it on?" Tails asked, beginning to jump up and down.

Knuckles slapped Tails. "That..._thing _again. Remember? We went to college, and some other cliches happened?"

"We had McDonald's though. That was original," Sonic reminded him.

"Yes. Point is, the first leprachaun I see, I'm leaving this building."

At this point I'm half of a mind to have Mr. and Mrs. Leprachaun walk in. Only half, though.

"Oh, you're paranoid," Sonic laughed. "I think that guy died."

At this point I was two-thirds of a mind to have Mr. and Mrs. Leprachaun walk in. Only two-thirds, though.

"I sure hope so," Knuckles sighed.

Four-fifths.

Knuckles shivered. "I'm scared, man. What if, you know - that...box?"

"What did it do?"

"I forget. All I know is it glow...glew? Glowed?"

"'Twas glowing," Sonic replied.

"Right. 'Twas glowing."

At this point Amy and Tails had left. Don't ever say I don't remember my - er, SEGA's - characters.

- - -

Alan Smithee could not shake the feeling that something terrible was about to happen, something more terrible than all the aliens and robots he'd been promised.

"Speaking of which," Shadow interrupted my narration, turning to Omochao. "Where's the Black Doom?"

"In a minute." Of course, Omochao was not talking about an alien race.

Omochao led Shadow to a door in the canyon wall. It slid open.

"Enter, good sir."

Shadow carefully walked through the stone corridors towards the light ahead. As he exited the corridors, he had to close his eyes for a moment to adjust to the light.

He wished he'd never opened them.

- - -

Sonic got up. "Well, I'm leaving. Are you coming? You need a shower."

"Nah. I need to stay here for when they put in the WiFi hotspots."

"Do you even have the USB adapter?"

At this Knuckles was silent. "_What _USB adapter?"

- - -

The room which contained Shadow was your typical college classroom. There was a loudspeaker, some chairs, some desks, and a blackboard. In front of the blackboard was the teacher's desk, and on this desk was a box. 'Twas glowing, too.

Shadow looked at Omochao. "The Great Big Box of Fun?"

"One in the same. I found it during a routine check of the bottom of the ocean. Open it."

"Not a chance, man." Despite what he just said, Shadow walked up to it. "I've seen this thing before. It - " Shadow paused for a moment. "What did it do again?"

"I forget." They forget because I no longer have a copy of the original(s) on hand and consequently, I forget. "It was something bad, though. I think." Omochao leaned down to Shadow's large pointy ear and whispered in it menacingly. "You can control it, though. Join me, and together we shall overthrow the Emperor and rule the Empire!"

"What Empire? What Emperor? _What _USB adapter?"

"I'm going to have to get back to you on that."

- - -

And thus concludes the second chapter of the new Lots and Lots of Grapefruit. What thinks thee, the reader at home? Reviewing makes people happy.


	3. Sonadowluvr14

Lots and Lots of Grapefruit

Act Two: Seeds

Chapter Three: Sonadowluvr14

- disclaimer -

All original scenarios are (C) 2005 Doug teh H-Nut. Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters and stuff are (C) SEGA.

- - -

_To Snow Blade - _Be glad you didn't read it back then.

- - -

Knuckles began to sob softly when Sonic told him the story of Nintendo's magical USB adapter, and how it could only be ordered online. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"Ah, cheer up. When's your birthday?"

Knuckles wiped a tear from his eye. "November 14th."

Sonic stood there, motionless, speechless. "You're the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

- - -

"Well, wouldn't you like to overthrow the man?" Omochao asked. "Nobody liked The Man. They don't like the man much either."

"Tried that once," Shadow replied. "Almost got myself killed. But then..."

- - -

HOW SHADOW SURVIVED THE FALL TO EARTH

BY SONADOWLUVR14

- disclaimer -

i own evrythin lol

once upon a time shadow made the ark stop falling. and then he almost fell to earth. and then sonic came and then

(adult situations baleeted)

the end R&R PLZ!111111111111

- - -

"...and that is why you should not drink and use Chaos Control," Shadow concluded.

"I would assume you just used Chaos Control again and saved yourself."

"...or that happened. I don't remember so well."

- - -

"So, you're saying," Knuckles began, "that with this new _birthday _technology, I can get something without having to pay for it?"

"That's the idea," Sonic replied.

Knuckles whooped with glee, jumped on the table, and began doing The Running Man. (What I mean is, he danced.)

- - -

"You're sober now, aren't you?" Omochao asked.

"Yeah," Shadow replied.

"Then nothing can go wrong. Open the box."

Shadow slowly crept up to the golden box that 'twas glowing. And now I'm going to interrupt the story and create a very elaborate analogy.

In Greek mythology, there's a story about this chick named Pandora. Zeus gave her a box, and told her not to open it. Pandora opened the box. All kinds of bad stuff - sadness, anguish, hatred, sickness, Kidz Bop - came out of the box and messed up the human race. This story is known in most circles as the story of Pandora's Box, except in Kentucky where it's known as Why Environmentalists Are Sad When We Eat Chicken.

Now back to your regularly scheduled story.

Shadow gently lifted the lid of Shadow's Box, and I don't think I have to tell you what it would be called in Kentucky. At least, I hope not.

- - -

"Alright, so can you get me the USB adapter for my birthday?"

"Nope. Already got you something." Sonic pulled a box out from one of the pocket-like things in his fur and handed it to Knuckles.

Knuckles opened the box. "A tie?"

"Yep. You're welcome."

- - -

And thus concludes the third chapter of our little farce. And if you reviewed, I'd be ever so thankful.


	4. Chapter Title Truncated, Part Un

Lots and Lots of Grapefruit

Act Two: Seeds

Chapter Four: Why Environmentalists Are Sad When We Eat Grapefruit

- disclaimer -

All original scenarios are (C) 2005 Doug teh H-Nut. Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters and stuff are (C) SEGA.

- - -

_To Macropodathist1 _- See chapter title. Heh. And come to think of it, I haven't heard the phrase "Kentucky Fried Chicken" in a while...

_To Prominence Flare - _I'm fairly sure anyone who _said _they liked that thing was just being nice.

- - -

"Grapefruit?" Shadow asked as he opened the box. "How are we going to take over the Empire with _grapefruit_?"

"Obviously you have a very poor memory. Let's go back to the beginning, shall we?" Omochao said as he was clearly introducing a flashback.

- - -

LOTS AND LOTS OF GRAPEFRUIT

BY HYBRID OMEGA OR DJ8 OR NIGHTSHADETH OR SUMTHIN

Chapter One: lol grapfrut

- disclaimer -

i dont own anythin

SONIC

"Hey Shadow"

SHADOW

"Hey Sonic"

SONIC

"Let's go to college"

SHADOW

"(emoticon)" (Because this site deletes emoticons, natch.)

LOUDSPEAKER

"colage now lol"

OMOCHAO

"hey look onoz teh grapefruit. lol i eval"

GRAPEFRUIT

_eats everyone_.

The end.

- - -

Ok, so that's maybe not _exactly _how it worked, but you get the idea. It wasn't pretty.

"Is that really what happened?" Shadow eyed the citrus sphere in the box.

"Maybe. I think the chapter was entitled 'Night of the Living Grapefruit' or somesuch," replied Omochao.

- - -

"You could ask Amy," Sonic suggested. "She has money. She tried to buy me this one time." She did, but that was actually in a sprite comic, so I'm not going to go too deep into that.

"Yes, but every time she gets on the Internet she gets somehow drawn to Sonadowluvr14's Xanga site. And - "

"What's Sonadow?" Sonic interrupted.

"It's where you and Shadow - " Knuckles then saw the horrified look on Sonic's face - "kill each other over the last slice of pizza."

"Oh. Cool."

- - -

"Well?" Omochao asked him. "The Black Doom has the technology to make this SOB work."

Shadow crossed his arms. World domination - that's what Maria wanted, wasn't it? No, wait, something about love. Oh well, close enough. "Promise I won't get almost killed this time?"

"Cross my heart, hope to die. Stick my finger in your eye."

"That's not how it works, but alright."

- - -

Tails looked both ways before crossing the street. That's what his parents had taught him, anyway. "Miles," they would say, "look both ways before crossing the street. That's what we're trying to teach you, anyway. 'Miles,' we say. 'Look both ways before crossing the street. That's what we're trying to teach you, anyway.'"

Tails safely crossed the crosswalk without getting splattered into the pavement. "Try not to get splattered into the pavement," his parents would teach him.

Tails got to his house. "Buy a house," his parents would teach him. "It's better than a cardboard box."

Tails opened the door. "Put a door in your house," his parents would say.

Tails sat down on the couch. "Put a couch in your house, but inside the door," his parents would say.

Tails turned on the TV. "Don't watch South Park," his parents would say. They'd hate to know he'd been turned into a South Park character before.

- - -

That was only there to take up space, by the way. It didn't have any other purpose.


End file.
